It’s one of those times where I’m really resentful for being so far away, and for being the only one of my family that IS far away from home. My grandma, GG we call her, both for Grandma Grace and Great Grandma for the great grandchildren, is on hospice presently. I am just waiting for the phone call and so badly want it to arrive because she is truly suffering and in pain and she deserves a peaceful passing. I’ve found myself calling my aunt and mother however numerous times because I believe I am checking on them and how they are coping just as much as I am calling to check in on my grandma.
On Sunday, my uncle held the cell phone up to my grandma’s ear while she rested in bed and I said my goodbyes – with the sudden realization of having to do this, I just couldn’t find the right words. I would need much more time than a quick phone call to tell her all that she meant to me and to remind her of the wonderful memories we’ve had in our family. I said nothing profound, yet I repeatedly told her that I loved her and to please fall asleep. I told her my grandpa is waiting in heaven for her arrival, and that I’d continue to tell my girls all about their GG. It was not something I thought I’d have to do over the phone.
I’ve been talking to the girls about heaven and have told them that GG will soon be arriving there. I can tell in their little minds, they’ve created a Disneyland of sorts out of Heaven – complete with rainbow houses, apple juice, DVDs, a slide to go down the clouds, happiness and no sicknesses, and a cord that attaches from the gravestone to heaven to get up there – all from their little 4 year old minds. We prayed for GG the other night and Mia asked that “GG have fun in Heaven” and Maddie asked that she find “her Grandpa Lou up there” (my husband’s father who the girls never got to meet).
I just wanted to be able to talk about her in the present tense as I know that opportunity won’t be here much longer. My grandma and I have written letters back and forth since I left for college at 18. We’ve continued over the years and she always teased that she finally learned to write my address in pencil in her address book because I never sat still in one spot for too long. Last summer, she handed me a box full of the letters I had written to her . When I read through them, there was one commonality in all of the letters – ranging from age 18 to my age of 34 at that time – I always told her how homesick I was and how much I missed my family. She never expressed her opinion on my living so far away, yet made me feel loved through her letters but was sure to express to me how much she missed me as well.
I miss her already. I miss her handwriting. The girls mailed her two colored worksheets of the letter “G” so that she could hang them side by side in her room and have her name spelled out. I hope they arrived so that she could smile at their colorful creations. I just want her to have peace. No more suffering.
I am waiting for the phone call.
and I pray Mia and Maddie are right about heaven.